Yay

Jeff got the job at FedEx! I was so worried throughout the day, praying, hoping and wishing. Jeff said that he was one of three who passed. One lady didn't make it. So now he has to wait until Monday to hear back from them to say when he can come in. At least he doesn't have to go in Halloween-we can go out with Elliot. Though it's temporary with the hopes of becoming permanent, I'm still proud of him.

I think I found a new hobby-baking cupcakes. I started off basic yesterday: yellow with vanilla frosting. Also, I just have green icing, so it looks like I need to go to the store tomorrow.

I really need to work on my decorating skills. But I was really proud of myself. It took no time to make these (I guess since it was a basic recipe), so I'd like to do this again. Another thing that makes it worthwhile is finding recipes just for six cupcakes. I would rather eat 6 of these by myself than 24 if it came down to just me. Jeff did try one and he said he liked it. That's all I really need, approval of the cupcakes. I don't think anyone would go head over heels in love with my cupcakes, fronting the money for a bakery. Though it would be nice if this turned into something. But for now, it's just a hobby.

Funky Funk Funk

I hate when I'm in a creative mood. I hate it because I can't come up with anything to express my creativeness. A few Christmases ago, my mom gave me a sewing machine because I was really into Project Runway. Hardly used it. I also have one of those summer camp pot holder things, but what could I really do with those? I've been thinking about crocheting, but it might be a waste of time. I was also thinking about baking. But a huge problem arises: dad is diabetic...mom doesn't want all of those calories...Jeff doesn't care for sweets...and Elliot, well he has no teeth. So I have no one to give cakes, brownies, or cupcakes to. Certainly can't go door to door- that's just creepy. It'd be different if I actually knew my neighbors. Hmmm...just had an idea: I could bake cupcakes, go to my neighbors and give them an Avon book. It could work. I just have to push myself to do this.

I'm just in a funk right now. I need money badly, bills are piling up, and the future is grey. I'm losing interest fast. In just about everything. I'm pulling everything I have out of me to right this blog, but it's coming out in clumps of nothing. Perhaps I should stop while I'm ahead.

The last couple of days have been slow but steady. Last time I was bummed because I felt that Elliot favors Jeff as the favorite parent. I still feel that way, but I'm not as sad as I was. Sunday I spoke with Jeff on the way home from church, and we talked about it for a bit. I told him my being upset/sad has nothing to do with him. And it doesn't. I'm glad that Elliot loves his daddy and smiles and laughs when Jeff does silly things. Elliot is blessed to have two parents who are crazy about him. How could I be sad about that?

In other news, I've been thinking about getting back into Avon. Now that I have to stay home while Jeff works, I need money. Sometimes I wish I could get a job, but I love staying at home with Elliot. It's a confusing time for us. A couple of years ago, I did this weight loss research program that paid $75 dollars a visit, with a $5 gas card. I might look into that again.

It's not good for anyone to obsess with money, but good gracious, that's all I've been doing for the past 5 months. Yet I have to constantly think about money. I have bills to pay, though I keep using my credit card. But I have to use my credit card to buy things I or Elliot needs. However, I am guilty of using it for unnecessary expenses, like going out to eat, but that's the only unnecessary expense.

I'm at a lost. Jeff doesn't technically have this job at FedEx yet. This week is just the classes, where Friday will be the test to determine whether or not he'll be hired. So I suppose my knees will have carpet burn since I'll be kneeling and praying all this week. He (meaning God) has to give us a break. Well, not "has to." Certainly can't tell Him what to do. But something's got to give.

Lawd have mercy.

Mommy Blues

Today should have been a good day, but it wasn't. Originally, Jeff, Elliot and I were going to go to the happiest place on Earth (Walmart), then go home. But Jeff said that Bass and Pro Shop were having some Halloween event with a free photo shoot with the Great Pumpkin. So we went, and Elliot dressed in his lion's costume. Oddly, or maybe not so odd, Elliot was the only kid in costume. But he didn't stick out all that much anyways. Once we got there, we walked all over the place, trying to see where it was at. Upstairs, we asked an employee where it was located, and he said it was back downstairs near the exit. Well let's rewind a bit, shall we?

I've been thinking about changing Elliot's food scheduling for a few days now. I went on Gerber to look at their suggested meal menu, and decided to come up with something similar. Unfortunately how it worked out was that Elliot was eating at least every two hours, whether it was food or formula. And this caused him to spit up more often. However, today was the second day of the new change.

So as we were waiting for the doors to the elevator to open at the store, Elliot spits up, and Jeff asked me what all he had to eat so far. I said at 7:30 he had 6oz of formula, at 10:15 he had 4 oz of oatmeal and 1 1/2 oz of pears. And before we left, he had 4 oz of formula, which was around 12:10. "Well no wonder he's spitting up a lot," Jeff says. Then he spends 30 minutes just ripping into me how it was a bad idea to feed him so much. We already have to deal with comments on how big Elliot is. He's not even that big-his doctor isn't worried about his weight. Though she was when he was 3 months old, but his weight and height has now caught up with each other. So within the first 2 minutes of this scolding, I tell Jeff that I was wrong. I knew that Elliot shouldn't be eating every two hours, but my main concern was for him to eat more food in the day, as well as the formula. So I see that this should change. But Jeff kept going on and on. And I'm telling him that I'm acknowledging my mishap.

After the picture was taken (which is kind of a disappointment because the space was so big that Jeff couldn't leave Elliot sitting alone, so he had to be in the picture), we start to leave, and Jeff brings up this food issue again. He asks me if I understand what he was saying about him eating so much and spitting up. And of course, I'm telling him that I know I did wrong. But he brings up that this happened before. Several weeks ago, we were feeding Elliot food then a bottle right after, and this brought up sweet smells and beautiful colors of spit up. Then I go and do something like this-practically feeding him every two hours. My main problem is that I didn't space out the times far enough. So as we were driving to Toys 'R Us, I explained what Elliot ate and how often yesterday to Jeff. On and on again with the scolding from Jeff.

So from then, I just didn't say anything. When Jeff see that I'm not talking, he automatically assumes I'm in a bad mood. That's partially true. At that point, I felt defeated as a mother. I can't think of anytime where my suggestion for Elliot has been of some use-besides what to wear. It's always Jeff. Not that he doesn't let me come up with suggestions, it's just that Jeff's always seem to turn out better than mine. So I'm feeling defeated, not understanding what my role as a mother is beyond bathing and clothing.

Later on at home, I'm still pretty quiet, but vocal enough so Jeff won't scold me again about being in a bad mood. Everything went well for maybe two hours when Elliot starts to get fussy. Jeff takes him, changes him and feeds him. Elliot fights the sleep a little, but then finally sleeps. Jeff came over to the bed and layed down. I figured I should squeeze in a nap because I was really tired, and when the baby sleeps, you probably should too. After a couple of minutes, Elliot stirs around, and I lay there to see if Jeff will get up to put the pacifier back in. He doesn't. So I get up, put the pacifier in Elliot's mouth, and he goes to sleep again. I sat there for a few minutes, then laid down again. Wrong move. Elliot starts crying, and I angrily got up since I was so frustrated with what happened before and that I was really tired. Not taking my emotions out on our son, I picked him up, tried to burp him, but nothing was happening. Not even the pacifier helped. Elliot cried and cried. From the bed, Jeff was giving suggestions, one of which I was already doing. He tells me to feed Elliot some Puffs, then try laying him back down. Nope. Nothing. Jeff then says I could bring Elliot over to the bed. But trying to redeem myself to at least the level of a decent mother, I said no, I could handle it. After many cries and tears later, Jeff got up to fix Elliot a bottle, and motioned me to give him the baby. In redeem mode, I said no, and took the bottle. Jeff asked why I was being hardheaded, and I said that I have to redeem myself to be a good mother since I can't even come up with a decent schedule for Elliot. Four ounces later...cries, cries, cries. Jeff got up once again from the bed, and asks for Elliot again. I refused, and after telling me that he's been crying for the last 20 minutes (which I was overly aware of), I threw in the towel, and gave Elliot to Jeff.

I went to the bed with a heavy heart and tears down my face-especially since Elliot stopped crying once he was in daddy's hands. I don't know what it is about me that just can get it. I can't come up with a decent menu plan, and I can't get my child to stop crying and go to sleep. Though he's just 7 months old, I really believe Elliot favors Jeff over me. Jeff can make him laugh-I just make him smile. And Elliot just seems to have a special bond with his father. It's like a mullet. With me, I feed, bathe, change and do hair for Elliot-the business side. Jeff plays with him, make funny noises, and makes him laugh-the party side. Sure I do all that stuff myself with Elliot, but there's something stronger with father and son.

At the couch, Jeff says that he doesn't think that I'm a bad mother (didn't say I was good either). According to him, there are things that I can do that he can't. I immediately said "What, change the shit diapers?" He says no, I can kiss boo boos, and then honestly I forgot what else he said. I trailed off in my thoughts of what could I possibly be good at. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't be upset that I feel our son favors his dad more so over me. Some kids rarely see their fathers, some none at all. My child sees his dad every day, which I feel extremly blessed for. But I can't shake the feeling of being not in second place, but just behind.

Another thing that I forgot to squeeze in-Jeff said he was going to make a menu plan, since he does agree that Elliot needs to eat more food. So before Elliot started stirring around on the couch, Jeff makes his menu, then showed it to me...it was pretty similar to what I had. And on top of that, he has it going every two hours as well! Without really reading it, I told Jeff it was fine. What does my opinion matter anyways? And he was mad that I shot down his suggestions before, only to do them two weeks later. It's just that I finally saw that he made a point with those suggestions.

Still feeling defeated, I still love my son. It's hard to not come up with great or just useable suggestions, but I suppose this all comes with the territory of being a new mother.

Blergh

*Warning: might be slightly graphic*

For the past month I've been trying to come up with a new birth control plan. When I first heard of Depo Privera (the shot), I knew of the weight gain, the irregular bleeding, and most important of all, no more periods-after the irregular bleeding. Well currently I'm on the shot, and I hate it with a passion.

First, the bleeding went on for literally five weeks. I'm not talking about the normal bleeding after you have the baby, I mean this was after the first shot. I figured that perhaps after this, there would be no more bleeding. I was kind of right. No bleeding occured for maybe 2-2 1/2 months. However, tthe shot began to mess with my mind. I felt no desire to do anything, I felt hopeless, empty, you name it. And of course I noticed the weight gain during this time. Fantastic. And worst of all, I had no sexual desire. None. Kinda hard when you have a baby in the room 24/7 as well. But then something changed. I no longer felt empty, the weight-well it stayed, and the desire came back. But what happened a few days later? You guessed it: the bleeding returned.

I can't take it anymore. In my world, I thought I would bleed at first, gain a little weight, and would no longer get my period. Short, quick and to the point. Why won't I ever learn that nothing is easy, especially birth control? I started my search for the next control method, and just about every one has the same side effects. At least the side effects I'm concerned about. What I gathered is that whatever I choose, it needs to be non-hormonal. That seems to be the problem with the weight gain. So not wanting to rely just on what I read, I went to the wonderful website, called cafemom.com. Moms of all walks of life come here to chat, ask questions, make friends-all that good stuff. I posted a topic about my birth control problem, and I wanted to see who likes what, and which method seems to work best. It was a confetti bag of answers. Some people liked Mirena, others didn't. Some people gained weight on the pill, others didn't. One mom even broke her back because of low bone density due to the shot. Needless to say, I am still at a loss.

I've always hated condoms, but they're looking really good to me right now. Nothing is ever simple when it comes to the human body. I'd like to know how this story ends, but right now, it remains an open chapter....

By the way, I don't do abstinence-kudos to those who do

Wacky Wednesday

Well it wasn't wacky, it was just....Wednesday. Today was a nice family day. We went to the mall so Jeff could get his complimentary gift card for his birthday (which was two weeks ago). He wanted to use it at Subway, but for some reason it didn't go through, so he had to pay cash. After we walked around for a little bit, we left to go to Meijer.

This Mejier was in the rich end of town, and we went before, so we knew our experience would be slighty different. A couple of days ago, I bought Jelly Belly Flops, which are Jelly Bellys that didn't pass the satisfaction checkpoint to be sold in regular packages. So when the bag was empty, I was still wanting more. Seriously, they are that good. At one point, our Meijer had a little Jelly Belly stand, but for some reason we have jelly bean Nazis who took them away. The fancy Meijer had the Jelly Bellys. I'll admit I ran a little towards the colorful little beans. One pound of these things cost $6.99. I know there are people out there who would gladly pay this amount, if not more. I settled half a pound. Came up to be $2.45, and it's worth penny. The bag isn't empty (yet), so I had to hid the rest from me so I won't go crazy with sugar this late at night.

That was pretty much our day. Nothing too exciting has been going on as of late. Though I have been thinking....

This year (in Louisville, at least) there have been too many stories regarding harm towards children. In the summer countless of parents left their babies in hot cars. One mother was high, and a couple went into a strip club to drink. I really can't understand why parents would do this. If they don't want to be in a hot car, what makes them think their kids want to too? I'll admit, I've left Elliot in the car before (a couple of times), but it has always been at home in the driveway. Does that give me a free pass? No. These times I had to throw something away in the garbage can on the side of the house, grab the mail and put it inside on the kitchen counter, get something from the fridge in the garage, or like this morning, run upstairs to get a jacket. Though this morning, I put the car in the garage since I was a little bit farther than any other time. This isn't an everyday occurance, or even weekly. I wouldn't call this wrong, but I wouldn't call it okay either. Anything could happen in just one minute, even in the driveway of your own home. But never would I leave my son in a car in any weather condition alone. It sounds easy to do, especially if you just need milk from the store and the baby is asleep, but this is a crazy world we live in. You just can't do that. But at the same time, you can't call every parent that has left their child in the car alone bad. I understand being busy and having other things on your mind. Or that the child is sleeping, so there are no noises in the car, except maybe the radio. I understand, but the parent should still be held accountable. And now that it's getting cold outside, and will snow in the coming months, I shudder to think that there could be at least one story on the news about a parent leaving their child alone in the car.

Another story that has been buzzing about town are two stories of toddlers being killed or close to killed due to their mother's boyfriends. I don't know the personal stories of these mothers, but people should closely examine who they are leaving their child with. I was going to say just the boyfriends who may not be the father, but fathers and mothers can be subjected as well. In one of the cases, the toddler was crying and the boyfriend slammed the baby into his crib and holding him in there.
http://www.wave3.com/story/15725909/man-charged-with-attempted-murder-of-two-year-old
We have to be aware who we let into our lives. Women, get to know these men well before letting him watch your child alone. Yes men can sweet talk us, but they can decieve us. Let me back that up: SOME men can decieve us. I'm not hate/bashing on men- just the bad ones.

A few days ago, a mother had recieved a call from her son's daycare, saying that he was rushed to the hospital, where he later died. What happened? He choked on a PUSH PIN. Reports are saying that one big issue was there weren't enough staff for the number of children. This is another reason why I don't like daycares. I know it's a lifesaver to many parents, and even the only option for some. But personally I couldn't do it. The way I figured is that this little boy thought the push pin was a piece of candy-since the "push" part are usually colorful. I can't imagine what that mother is going through, but thankfully the state has closed the daycare. What's worse is that the owner and mother are cousins. Blood is thicker than water, but some things you just can't let slide.
http://www.wave3.com/story/15723838/child-dies-at-daycare-after-choking-on-push-pin

On a happier note, Elliot crawled for the first time last night. I was so proud of him. Jeff and I knew it was coming, because Elliot was in the position to move, but just didn't. I tell you, there is no greater feeling than seeing your child achieve some sort of milestone. We were thrilled when he rolled onto to just one side, then both, and now crawling. I know that there must have been thousands of babies crawling for the first time yesterday, but to me, Elliot was the only one. On the outside, it seems silly to be overwhelmed by something like crawling, but when a baby does it for the first time, that's opening the gate to the world on a whole new level. It also means we have to keep an even closer eye on him. Motherhood is a blessing beyond words.

Untitled

Jeff had a job interview at the lumber place which is a lot closer to us than the FedEx job in Indiana. It was really quick too, maybe 10 minutes. The way Jeff described how it went was as if the guy was telling him what he'd be doing instead of the usual questions; "What are your strengths/weakness?" and such. I am praying so hard that he gets this job, especially after he told me about the pay rate. I would like to work as well, but this has been a see saw of an adventure. Only one of us can have a job, because of Elliot. We don't want to do day care, and we don't want to leave him with Jeff's mother or my dad. We love them, but we just don't think they're ready to take care of a 7 month old for several hours. Also, there's just one car between us-mine. So it's easier for me to get a job since it's my car, but it depends who gets a job first. However, since it looks like Jeff will get a job first, I'd have to take him and pick him up which also means getting Elliot into the car, maybe in the wee hours of the morning. Life would be so much simpler if Jeff's mother would let him use the car. But because of his accident (3 years ago), she doesn't seem to trust him so much. Yet, she let's his lackluster of a half brother use it from time to time, and borrow large amounts of money with a slim chance of paying it back.

I might like being a sahm. I can see myself staying in the house with Elliot, cleaning, and cooking. Not that I want to bring myself into the woman's role of the 50s. Hell, I'd probably be bored to death, getting fustrated with Elliot, and be upset that Jeff couldn't/wouldn't take care of him once he gets home because he's too tired. Who knows. I just know that we shouldn't put all of our eggs in one basket.

I talked with my best friend today (no, not T). She's still dealing with the ex-wife drama. From the things that she tells me, the ex seems to still be in love with my friend's husband. Or at least thinking "If I can't have you, no one can." By what I've heard, the ex has some extremem issure to work out. I thank God I don't have to worry about an ex of that craziness. The only ex I get concerned about from time to time is the Jeff had talked to a couple of times throughout our relationship. It was never sexual or planning to hang out, just a catching up. At least I better be right. The problem is, is that she's still in love with him. Even told Jeff she would pay his child support and welcome him into her home if he'd just left me. Jeff stayed with the "struggle." Not that Elliot and I are a struggle, per se, just the struggle of finding a job and getting out of our homes to move under one roof.

I wish I could write more, but honestly, I am tired. From what, I don't know. We didn't do all that much today. Guess I'm getting old.