Thursday, August 11, 2011

Oh Boy

My life is in serious crisis mode right now. Up until recently, I saw nothing but silver lining in my clouds (and there are a lot of clouds). But a simple gas station trip ripped those silver bastards off the cumuluses. Jeff and I were going to the Neighborhood Place to pick up some diapers for Elliot, when I realized I was seriously low on gas. So low, that I didn't think I could make it to the gas station-which was right across the street. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I didn't get gas first. Anyways, I mangaged to scootch to Marathon, and I contemplated on how much to spend. Filling up was a fantasy, and going towards half was still a joke. Five bucks would break me, yet nearly kill me at the same time. So I went for the five dollars. Barely made a difference. Once we came back home, I began to cry. I don't know anyone who would truly cry after putting five dollars worth of gas into their car. My life is in such a rut now.

I've been applying to jobs, but there are no new emails, nor phones ringing. I don't even have hope to give up. I don't want my son to suffer. He's my motivation, yet there's nothing to look foward to, because nothing is looking back. I've always been a step or two (or more) behind my friends. While everyone was having boyfriends, I couldn't get a guy to notice me. When my friends had prom dates and plans, I had to ask (beg) them to let me in. Once my friends got accepted into college(s), I was begging for U of L to let me in (yes, they rejected me). While my friends had cozy dorm rooms, I was still in my bedroom in dear old mom and dad's house. While my friends had great jobs and great pay, I was standing outside of a candy store holding samples in my khaki pants, navy shirt with the Sweet Factory emblem, and Sweet Factory apron making eight dollars an hour. When my friends were moving into their apartments, I was moving furniture around my room in dear old mom and dad's house. When my friends were having babies, I was asking myself "Why can't I have a good life?" When my friends were/are getting married, I pretty much believe my last name will never change, as there will never be a ring on my finger.

I don't know exactly where my life went wrong. Was it in high school where I never really pushed myself to get a scholarship, thus living on campus making lifelong friends, having a career instead of a job and possibly a husband? Was it in college where I still never made friends and decided to leave with an Associate's Degree thus dooming myself to no jobs, apartment, or husband? I don't want to say God is punishing me, but boy it sure feels like it. I wish He would send me an email telling what I'm doing wrong and how to make things right.

How do you spell my name? L-O-S-E-R....I don't know what's worse than being kicked when you're down. Bad, yet not surprisingly, I don't have anyone to help us. Jeff and I have no friends, no family who could/would help us-nothing. I can't even call this sand I'm sinking in quick.....