Mommy Blues

Today should have been a good day, but it wasn't. Originally, Jeff, Elliot and I were going to go to the happiest place on Earth (Walmart), then go home. But Jeff said that Bass and Pro Shop were having some Halloween event with a free photo shoot with the Great Pumpkin. So we went, and Elliot dressed in his lion's costume. Oddly, or maybe not so odd, Elliot was the only kid in costume. But he didn't stick out all that much anyways. Once we got there, we walked all over the place, trying to see where it was at. Upstairs, we asked an employee where it was located, and he said it was back downstairs near the exit. Well let's rewind a bit, shall we?

I've been thinking about changing Elliot's food scheduling for a few days now. I went on Gerber to look at their suggested meal menu, and decided to come up with something similar. Unfortunately how it worked out was that Elliot was eating at least every two hours, whether it was food or formula. And this caused him to spit up more often. However, today was the second day of the new change.

So as we were waiting for the doors to the elevator to open at the store, Elliot spits up, and Jeff asked me what all he had to eat so far. I said at 7:30 he had 6oz of formula, at 10:15 he had 4 oz of oatmeal and 1 1/2 oz of pears. And before we left, he had 4 oz of formula, which was around 12:10. "Well no wonder he's spitting up a lot," Jeff says. Then he spends 30 minutes just ripping into me how it was a bad idea to feed him so much. We already have to deal with comments on how big Elliot is. He's not even that big-his doctor isn't worried about his weight. Though she was when he was 3 months old, but his weight and height has now caught up with each other. So within the first 2 minutes of this scolding, I tell Jeff that I was wrong. I knew that Elliot shouldn't be eating every two hours, but my main concern was for him to eat more food in the day, as well as the formula. So I see that this should change. But Jeff kept going on and on. And I'm telling him that I'm acknowledging my mishap.

After the picture was taken (which is kind of a disappointment because the space was so big that Jeff couldn't leave Elliot sitting alone, so he had to be in the picture), we start to leave, and Jeff brings up this food issue again. He asks me if I understand what he was saying about him eating so much and spitting up. And of course, I'm telling him that I know I did wrong. But he brings up that this happened before. Several weeks ago, we were feeding Elliot food then a bottle right after, and this brought up sweet smells and beautiful colors of spit up. Then I go and do something like this-practically feeding him every two hours. My main problem is that I didn't space out the times far enough. So as we were driving to Toys 'R Us, I explained what Elliot ate and how often yesterday to Jeff. On and on again with the scolding from Jeff.

So from then, I just didn't say anything. When Jeff see that I'm not talking, he automatically assumes I'm in a bad mood. That's partially true. At that point, I felt defeated as a mother. I can't think of anytime where my suggestion for Elliot has been of some use-besides what to wear. It's always Jeff. Not that he doesn't let me come up with suggestions, it's just that Jeff's always seem to turn out better than mine. So I'm feeling defeated, not understanding what my role as a mother is beyond bathing and clothing.

Later on at home, I'm still pretty quiet, but vocal enough so Jeff won't scold me again about being in a bad mood. Everything went well for maybe two hours when Elliot starts to get fussy. Jeff takes him, changes him and feeds him. Elliot fights the sleep a little, but then finally sleeps. Jeff came over to the bed and layed down. I figured I should squeeze in a nap because I was really tired, and when the baby sleeps, you probably should too. After a couple of minutes, Elliot stirs around, and I lay there to see if Jeff will get up to put the pacifier back in. He doesn't. So I get up, put the pacifier in Elliot's mouth, and he goes to sleep again. I sat there for a few minutes, then laid down again. Wrong move. Elliot starts crying, and I angrily got up since I was so frustrated with what happened before and that I was really tired. Not taking my emotions out on our son, I picked him up, tried to burp him, but nothing was happening. Not even the pacifier helped. Elliot cried and cried. From the bed, Jeff was giving suggestions, one of which I was already doing. He tells me to feed Elliot some Puffs, then try laying him back down. Nope. Nothing. Jeff then says I could bring Elliot over to the bed. But trying to redeem myself to at least the level of a decent mother, I said no, I could handle it. After many cries and tears later, Jeff got up to fix Elliot a bottle, and motioned me to give him the baby. In redeem mode, I said no, and took the bottle. Jeff asked why I was being hardheaded, and I said that I have to redeem myself to be a good mother since I can't even come up with a decent schedule for Elliot. Four ounces later...cries, cries, cries. Jeff got up once again from the bed, and asks for Elliot again. I refused, and after telling me that he's been crying for the last 20 minutes (which I was overly aware of), I threw in the towel, and gave Elliot to Jeff.

I went to the bed with a heavy heart and tears down my face-especially since Elliot stopped crying once he was in daddy's hands. I don't know what it is about me that just can get it. I can't come up with a decent menu plan, and I can't get my child to stop crying and go to sleep. Though he's just 7 months old, I really believe Elliot favors Jeff over me. Jeff can make him laugh-I just make him smile. And Elliot just seems to have a special bond with his father. It's like a mullet. With me, I feed, bathe, change and do hair for Elliot-the business side. Jeff plays with him, make funny noises, and makes him laugh-the party side. Sure I do all that stuff myself with Elliot, but there's something stronger with father and son.

At the couch, Jeff says that he doesn't think that I'm a bad mother (didn't say I was good either). According to him, there are things that I can do that he can't. I immediately said "What, change the shit diapers?" He says no, I can kiss boo boos, and then honestly I forgot what else he said. I trailed off in my thoughts of what could I possibly be good at. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't be upset that I feel our son favors his dad more so over me. Some kids rarely see their fathers, some none at all. My child sees his dad every day, which I feel extremly blessed for. But I can't shake the feeling of being not in second place, but just behind.

Another thing that I forgot to squeeze in-Jeff said he was going to make a menu plan, since he does agree that Elliot needs to eat more food. So before Elliot started stirring around on the couch, Jeff makes his menu, then showed it to me...it was pretty similar to what I had. And on top of that, he has it going every two hours as well! Without really reading it, I told Jeff it was fine. What does my opinion matter anyways? And he was mad that I shot down his suggestions before, only to do them two weeks later. It's just that I finally saw that he made a point with those suggestions.

Still feeling defeated, I still love my son. It's hard to not come up with great or just useable suggestions, but I suppose this all comes with the territory of being a new mother.