Time to let go

I read a quote some time ago, and paraphrasing, it was something like "Once you have a child and you don't see the people you used to see now, you realize you should have left them a long time ago." I agreed, not thinking of any specific instances since Elliot was born. That is until two weeks ago.

I met up with a friend (who we'll call T) at a McDonald's, not having seen each other in a couple of months. We made the small talk at first, then I started to mention Jeff. I don't remember how I began to talk about it, but I said that Jeff and I had been together longer than some people who have dated and married combined. I told her being 4 years into this relationship seemed like we were married, as in the longevity of the relationship. Then T says that worried her because of what Jeff did to me earlier in our relationship (don't worry about the specifics, just know that I was hurt deeply). Jeff and I had our extremely dark days during 2008. As a girl with a broken heart, yet still confusingly in love, I went to T for consolement. As a friend, she told me that I should just leave him and be happy by myself, rather than miserable with him. I was still in love. And so was Jeff. Months passed, and we were happy once again. The dark days were distant.

As I moved on, T didn't. She literally told me that she didn't want to hear anything about Jeff anymore, even if it was a tiny mention of his name. I didn't want to start any problems, so I agreed, though I let "Jeff" slip every now and then. Three years later after being broken hearted, T can not get over what happened to me. Since Elliot was born, I took it upon myself to break this "No speak of Jeff" rule. I told her what a great father he is, and how I believe we are closer than ever before. So in McDonald's, T said something to me that I can not believe I missed. Recently coming out of the dark days, T referred to Jeff as "It." He was no longer a person to her. Just an "It." T says now she's able to slide his name back to the category of humans. I honestly did not want to bring any of this up-her rejecting any offer of the three of us going out, or anything. But she was first to mention. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I asked why couldn't she let go of what happened to me? The hurt was directly from Jeff to me. T was no where in between. She pulled out the "You're my best friend, and I care about you" card. Like she felt my pain. I asked why couldn't she see that Jeff has changed when I tell her about him as a family man now. Her response: "Because I don't see it." Meaning she literally has to see Jeff play and bond with Elliot. Then she can decide for herself if Jeff is a changed man at all. Stunned, I kept the conversation going.

Knowing Jeff is not her favorite person in the world, I didn't tell her that Jeff was over my house before her arrival when she first met Elliot. I didn't see the need to tell her. It was my house. So in my room, it was the four of us, with T and I mainly conversing. Jeff chimed in a few times, and I felt at that time that maybe she began to see Jeff in a different light. Nope. In McDonald's, she told me she was pissed that I didn't inform her that the father of my child was in my house. According to her, I should have sent Jeff out of my room so we could talk. She was also peeved that Jeff didn't say hello to her when she came in. I told her that's how Jeff is, he's not a people person. Yet she didn't understand that. Or maybe didn't want to understand. Or didn't care. T then tells me that she had similar feelings towards the boyfriend, now husband, of her life long best friend. Not going into specifics, T says her feelings drastically changed when her friend informed her that she had forgiven him, and that T should as well. Light bulb slowly pops up. I asked what if I said that to her right then and there? Too sudden, she says. How would  she have known whether or not I had already forgiven Jeff prior to this unecessary converation? Then I said that it seemed as though if Jeff and I were to get married, she would not come to the wedding. T replies that she would really have to think hard on that decision.

The conversation finally ended and went on about searching for jobs. It was an out of body experience from then on out. I could hear us talking, but I couldn't tell you what exactly was spoken. I was in disbelief that my best friend of 10 years was putting down my relationship over something that happened three years ago. Standing outside of our cars, she mentions that we should get together more often. I mumbled in agreement, thinking I should reconsider. On the way home, I somehow managed to get back to Jeff's in one piece to pick up Elliot. The tape recorder in my mind kept replaying to the things T said to me. To this day, I have not told Jeff. Jeff doesn't really care for T, mainly because he knows of her feelings towards him. And I don't think I'd want someone telling me that I was once called "It." Besides, I need to handle this situation and hopefully resolve it before I can tell him.

I talked to my other best friend last week about the situation. Up until then, I was confused with emotions, and didn't know if I was right in my thinking. This conversation told me I was right. She could not believe the things T had said. I told her that T would have a solid and valid point if Jeff and I were currently in our dark days, or even if violence was involved (which it never has). But all of this was three years ago. About 1,095 days ago. I moved on. Hell, I have an amazing baby boy with Jeff. T hears from my very mouth about how he's changed for the better, and how he's not the same guy he was three years ago. Why can't she let go of something that had not happen to her?

I haven't talked to T since that night at McDonald's, but I have been rehearsing what I would say to her the next time I see her. First off, I'm not in high school anymore, so the name calling is not necessary. That being said, I am an adult, not a child. I need to use my words, and explain what I mean. I feel that T can not possibly understand what and how it feels like to change your whole persona once you have a child. Unfortunately, there are men and women who don't change a bit once they've become parents, but Jeff has been there since day one. And I mean day one of finding out I was pregnant. He was with me in that clinic. Our lives changed from that day on. He was there for every single doctor's appointment, and he was there from the time I called him to say my water broke til the moment he held Elliot for the first time. He sees Elliot almost everyday. And the days that he doesn't see Elliot, the time is not that distant, the most being 4 days in a row. Jeff has changed for the better. Yet T needs to see it for herself. She can't take my words for it.

My parents knew of the dark days. Back then, they told me that I shouldn't see him anymore. I couldn't obey. They even said it when the news of my pregnancy was just hot out of the oven. But at that time, Jeff and I both did something that involved the police (We took money from the U-Scan and didn't tell the lady who had just left. Then the cops called me the next time I used my Visa card-that's how they knew who I was-and said we needed to give back the money or we'd be arrested. We did. The end of that story). So because of that incident, Jeff was labled a bad guy in my parents' eyes. At some point while we were in the hospital enjoying the precious life that was just born, my parents discussed amongst theirselves about Jeff coming over to visit Elliot and I. Without telling me exactly what was said, dad gave Jeff the green light to enter our home. T calls my parents hypocrites. My parents can see how Jeff is involved in Elliot's life. My dad even suggested that we move to a different city and start a new life together (we don't have anything holding us here, really). Jeff fixes my dad's computer anti virus software every now and then, and he even cooked my mom a Mother's Day meal, which she appreciated. The picture of Jeff has been repainted. Yet to T, they're still hypocrites.

I don't know what to do anymore. I keep thinking back to that quote. Maybe our friendship should have ceased a long time ago. I don't think of myself better than her because I am a mother and she's not. But I do know an entirely different kind of love that Jeff and I have been blessed with for almost 7 months, that T has yet to experience. T can't understand that by observation. There are all types of love, but I'm referring to the love of having a child. I can't say whether it's the same for foster children or children who had been adopted. I've never experienced it. I'm talking about only what I know. Jeff and I have brought a life into this world. Elliot is us. He has our eyes, mouth, cheeks, eyelashes, hair type, even the shape of Jeff's feet (Elliot's is way cuter). T has not had that blessing yet.

I wish that T would be the friend that would be happy for me. I tell her I am happy, yet it falls on deaf ears. Sometimes as a friend, you should kindly keep your opinions to yourself. Don't bring me down by your judgements. Like I said previously, I could understand if violence were involved, and I claimed that I still loved him, but Jeff has never raised a hand nor object to me, and especially to Elliot. What I've not told T is that I didn't like her boyfriend in the beginning of their relationship. Something just didn't rub me the right way about him. But did I say anything? No. I saw and heard how happy she was. Even during their dark days, I was all ears. I didn't tell her to leave him when she told me she was thinking about it. I can't make those decisions for her. Only T can.

 Wednesday, T sent out a mass text message saying she was engaged. I wasn't surprised. Not sure why she was either, she told me at McDonald's that he was planning it, and that they actually discussed it, not that she went on suspicion. I didn't text her back, or comment on her wall when the news came onto facebook. I really don't know how to feel about her now. Looking back, I feel that she rubbed her relationship in my face. How they took spontaneous trips to Detroit, D.C, even a cross country trip all the way to Santa Fe. And how her parents agreed to let her then boyfriend live in their home and share the same bed with their daughter. Am I jealous? No. Not in the least, but I feel T was saying that because she and her fiance didn't have problems like Jeff and I had, her relationship was better. I could be absolutely wrong about this, but that's what I've been feeling. I don't want to send her congratulations and Elmer's Glue a smile to my face, while still boiling on the inside. Yet I don't know how this situation can or will end. So for now, I'll hold my tounge. I won't play the "Since you're not happy for me, I won't be happy for you card." Again, high school is over and out. Sometimes it's better not to say anything at all.